Risk vs Reward

Europe is amazing! The Alps are a magnificently jaw dropping experence. This is my fourth year (6th trip) as an adult coming over to ski Europe. My first trip was in 1999 when I was attending Burke Mountain Academy. 17 years later I am still awe struck with their shear beauty and masiveness. They are the reason why I keeping making the trip. This year they are the only reason why I made the journey. 

It was 52 weeks ago today that I had a horrible crash in Fieberbrunn while competing on the Freeride World Tour. In those 52 weeks a lot has happened. Mentally it destroyed my faith in my ability. Freeriding is such a mental sport. You need to know where you are going, one foot off of your line or too much speed (or too little) can result in you walking away or not. Last year I made one too many turns and dropped a foot lower then I should have. With the very low snow conditions anyway and the addition to some women already skiing that zone, that was the difference of skiing over rock rather than snow. I have watched my video hundreds of times. And I've replayed it in my mind more then one can count. I can still remember how every second felt and every thought in my head. 

I remember the amount of pain I was in when it felt like my rib cage blew up, luckily it was just my cartilage. I didn't even feel my broken fingers or the massive cut in my leg. In between my first and second impact when I was falling blindly, I can remember thinking that it was over. That in it self is an incredibly scary thought, let alone excepting it as truth is a whole nother thing. Everyone I saw afterwords said I almost missed it. Almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grandes. But the thing with my fall is that I call it my luckiest of unlucky falls. Yeah I almost missed it, but if I hit any other spot the turn out would have been a lot different.

It has taken me a long time to put into words everything that I have been going though and everything that I am still processing. But one big thing that I took away from this is trust your gut. No one but yourself makes you ride. Don't feel the pressure that you need to compete. If there isn't the right conditions then why take the chance. Peter Hawks of the Flyin Ryan Foundation has been saying it for a few years now, is the reward worth the risk? Mine sure wasn't. What do I want to do with this sport? What is the point for me coming back to Europe and why am I back out there competing?

I came back to face my fear of falling out of love with the mountains. To look the fear in the face and show it respect and remember why I love doing this sport. I am a way different person then I was a year ago, but I would like to say I'm a wiser more passionate person. There is a chance that I may not compete when I'm out here, and I'm ok with that. If it's not right I will not risk it, and I have learned that it's more than ok. That to love this sport and to be good at it doesn't always mean that you have to send it when the spotlight is on you.

So far this trip I have loved every second of being in the mountains and enjoying the culture and the epicness of everything. I hope time will heal all wounds but at least I know that my love for skiing and the mountains are still there. And for now I will do a lot of soul skiing!